Leaving Missions (Am I Crazy?)

It's an odd transition. At times I feel like the arguments for and against what I'm about to do are going to at worst dismember me or at best stretch me beyond recognition.

I've been immersed in missions since I was twelve years old. Every job I've ever had has been for the purpose of making money to get back into missions (no hyperbole-for-effect here). And I'm about to go "get a real job."

For most, leaving everything to enter the mission field and live on the support of friends and family would be a terrifying step into the unknown. For me, leaving the mission field and the financial support of friends and family feels like stepping off of a cliff blindfolded. I'm terrified. I've never had to get a job based on my own skill. My family's financial situation has never rested on my education or experience. As far as I can see, my life experience applies largely only to cross-cultural missions environments. My education is suited to work in underdeveloped nations.

So why am I leaving? I'm going in part for practical reasons, and in part for the very reasons I just mentioned.

Practical reasons:
Reason one: it costs $0 to have a baby in Australia. (Did I mention I'm moving to Australia?) Not only does it cost $0--the government pays parents $5000 per child born to them. Australia wants more babies. Reason two: to be close to Bec's family for this whole process.

The other reasons:
I've been living in my comfort zone. For me it's going to take as much faith to step into a "real" job as it does for many to enter the mission field. Lately, questions and doubts have raced constantly through my mind: Am I doing the right thing? Will I be qualified to do anything more complicated than bagging groceries? Will I be able to provide for my family? Will I be stuck in a job I hate? Will I find out that I'm less intelligent than I thought? Will I find out that I'm more intelligent than I thought? Will I get addicted to paychecks and the ability to buy what I want when I want it? Will I ever return to missions?

I'm sure it's at least in part due to my ego. I want to know if I can handle the unknown. I want to know if I have what it takes. Will I discover previously unseen personal strengths? Will I figure out what my true skills are?

This leads me to one of my biggest fears. I touched on it above. I'm not passionate about, or truly good at, anything. Those I'm close to would say, "Don't be silly, you're a great worship leader." But leading worship won't go very far toward a house payment/rent or groceries or the myriad of other expenses one incurs when living in the "real world." Part of me thinks of all of this as just another adventure. I get to figure this stuff out. Maybe. Unless I'm stuck bagging groceries...

As of right now, the plan is to be in Australia for 3-5 years. I'm as unsure of what is to come after that as I am of what I'll be doing for a living for the next 3-5 years. God knows, which should comfort me. God cares, which should comfort me even more. Deep down I know that this is just another part of growing up (yes, to my surprise, still growing up at nearly 30), another part of learning to trust God, another part of learning who I am. I get to learn to trust God for what many see as routine, but for what I see as a blindfolded freefall. I wonder where I'll land?